Amy's Metaphorical Water Breaks

On the eve of Amy's due date, the fire hydrant on the corner of our lot began billowing water all over the street. Apparently someone decided that there wasn't anything more entertaining on a cold winter night than smashing open a fire hydrant.

So we called it in. 10 minutes later, we get a squad car lighting up the scene. After checking it out, an officer comes to our door and, in disbelief, tells us that the fire department won't come out because they said it's not their jurisdiction. That's right. The FIRE department, which used FIRE hydrants, to put out FIRES, won't come out and fix it. It's not their Jerk-is-Dick-tion. What are they doing in the middle of a winter night that's so important that they can't come out?

For some reason, the water department is supposed to take care of it, but it's midnight on a Saturday. So, basically, it's now on the shoulders of this policeman to turn it off. If he doesn't do anything, this FIRE hydrant is going to be flooding my neighborhood for the next 32 hours because some hoser at the FIRE department can't tie off a main. It's at this moment that I'm reminded of Squirrel Cop, because this guy decided to become our hero and fix our problem. Except, without setting our house on fire.

I end up letting him borrow some of my plumbing "tools". It's "tools" because I don't have anything in the way of plumbing tools after I tried fixing a drip in our bathtub and ended up with a $1500 plumber's bill. After that, I decided to hang-up my low riding jeans and leave the ass cracking to the professionals.

So, with my vise-grips, the only thing I had that would have been more effective than a hammer, the cop was able to close the hydrant off down to a trickle. Mr. police officer. I salute you, good sir.